Improving History: Mustache Addition (The Only Edition)

Julius Caesar

Brutus could not have torn himself away from that glorious view long enough to get a clear shot at Caesar's back. We've always said mustaches save lives, we just wish we could have been there to warn him.

Moby Dick

Some studies show that the part of the brain responsible for aggression is the mustache.

Anne Boleyn (The Whore Queen)

This mustache may not have saved her from a beheading, but we bet cryogenics would have been much higher on scientist's to do list, knowing this mustache could be lost forever.

Burt Reynolds

Double Mustache. Whoa that's a full mustache. Whoa, oh my God. So intense.

The Sphinx

We dare time to corrode this mustache.

The Romanov Family

Too soon?

Napoleon and his Horse

It's a proven fact that syphilis can't penetrate a mustache. And they add height. It's science.

The Best Advice About Advice You're Ever Going to Get

Since we've been so successful at giving advice, we decided the only logical next step would be to discredit  age old wisdom. What the hell did those guys know? They didn't even have antibiotics or real shoes. It's time to adapt these adages for the modern day, and by adapt, we mean demolish.


Love thy neighbor. Here's the thing about that, I suspect that my neighbor is harvesting children's organs to sell on the black market, or to eat as a source of immortality. Plus, his yard is a mess.


Don't judge a book by it's cover. Fine, you approach the smelly guy on the bus.


If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Yeah, right. We can tell you from experience that complete silence after lay down dancing does not nurture a budding romance. 


Silence is golden. Even if you could see silence, why is golden the preferred color? I find purple much more appealing.


Do unto others, as you would have done unto you. This horrible piece of advice lead us to believe you could buy a fifteen year old an ice cream cone and spend hours discussing Harry Potter without the police getting involved.


Turn the other cheek. Are we talking butt or face? We just take issue with the lack of specifics here.


A friend in need is a friend indeed. Just because it rhymes doesn't mean it's true. We've got our own problems, and we wouldn't even know where to begin to help you.


Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. You got me a horse? Really?