When Sexy Costumes Have Gone Too Far

Before we begin, we want to clarify that we love sexy costumes. We'd even like to bring sexy into more holidays. Think of how much more important President's Day and Flag Day could be. And just so you know, we've already patented a sexy Gerald Ford costume, so think of another get rich quick scheme. 

Our problem with sexy costumes, is that not every god damned thing is sexy. Some things naturally lend themselves to shorter skirts and plunging neck lines, like French Maids and Elton John. Some things, no matter how little fabric, and how much ingenuity and creativity, will never work. We have drawn a few examples. 

Sexy Fish

Sexy Hospital Patient

Sexy Jesus

Sexy Kirstie Alley

Sexy Baby

SPOILER ALERT, THIS ONE IS REAL

Sexy Big Bird

Don't Call it a Flashback

We don't want to use the cliched word "flashback," but FLASHBACK. We have been at this for quite a while, which if your eyes have had the glory of feasting on our written words, should be apparent. You aren't just born with this talent, and practice makes perfect. Thank God we are done practicing. 

This article is from 2001, back when we were fat, pimply and constantly rejected by every boy unlucky enough to be the subject of our fleeting attention. Why the high school newspaper let us be this politically incorrect? We don't know, but we suspect alcohol and apathy were key players.  Those glorious, indifferent teachers laid the foundation of smart-assery which continues to contribute absolutely nothing to anyone who reads it. Please enjoy this Halloween FLASHBACK. 

Things We Were Doing Instead of Blogging

It ain't easy being sleazy. Even the best people have to take a break from the best things sometimes.


But now we are back, and here to tell you that our time away was not spent in vain. Here is a list of things we have accomplished:  

1.  Reddit
2.  Moving (including getting off the couch multiple times)
3.  A fence estimate, those suckers are expensive
4.  Dishes
5.  Working Home Alone quotes into daily conversations

The great news?  We're back!  Keep the change ya filthy animal. 

Improving History: Mustache Addition (The Only Edition)

Julius Caesar

Brutus could not have torn himself away from that glorious view long enough to get a clear shot at Caesar's back. We've always said mustaches save lives, we just wish we could have been there to warn him.

Moby Dick

Some studies show that the part of the brain responsible for aggression is the mustache.

Anne Boleyn (The Whore Queen)

This mustache may not have saved her from a beheading, but we bet cryogenics would have been much higher on scientist's to do list, knowing this mustache could be lost forever.

Burt Reynolds

Double Mustache. Whoa that's a full mustache. Whoa, oh my God. So intense.

The Sphinx

We dare time to corrode this mustache.

The Romanov Family

Too soon?

Napoleon and his Horse

It's a proven fact that syphilis can't penetrate a mustache. And they add height. It's science.

The Best Advice About Advice You're Ever Going to Get

Since we've been so successful at giving advice, we decided the only logical next step would be to discredit  age old wisdom. What the hell did those guys know? They didn't even have antibiotics or real shoes. It's time to adapt these adages for the modern day, and by adapt, we mean demolish.


Love thy neighbor. Here's the thing about that, I suspect that my neighbor is harvesting children's organs to sell on the black market, or to eat as a source of immortality. Plus, his yard is a mess.


Don't judge a book by it's cover. Fine, you approach the smelly guy on the bus.


If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Yeah, right. We can tell you from experience that complete silence after lay down dancing does not nurture a budding romance. 


Silence is golden. Even if you could see silence, why is golden the preferred color? I find purple much more appealing.


Do unto others, as you would have done unto you. This horrible piece of advice lead us to believe you could buy a fifteen year old an ice cream cone and spend hours discussing Harry Potter without the police getting involved.


Turn the other cheek. Are we talking butt or face? We just take issue with the lack of specifics here.


A friend in need is a friend indeed. Just because it rhymes doesn't mean it's true. We've got our own problems, and we wouldn't even know where to begin to help you.


Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. You got me a horse? Really?

Law and Order: SVU Greeting Card Line

Have you ever struggled to find the right words to say to a loved one, a coworker, or a new friend?  Do you love the show Law and Order: Special Victims Unit?  Tell the ones closest to you that you're thinking about them with our new line of greeting cards, featuring dialogue direct from the hit T.V. show.   

Top 5 Things We Secretly Hope Are Real

1. Charlie Sheen

2. Santa Claus

3. Fairy dust 

4. Invisibility cloak (for peepin')

5. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles